S2 EP05 Decluttering Your Space & Relationships with Colette Roy

Welcome 🌟 I'm so excited to welcome Colette Roy to The Scrumptious Woman podcast! With 20 years of experience as a professional organiser and relationship coach, Colette brings such beautiful insights into how our spaces affect our relationships and intimate connections.

Episode Summary 💕 In this episode, Colette and I dive deep into the fascinating connection between clutter and relationships. Through her decades of experience in people's homes, she's witnessed firsthand how different clutter thresholds between partners can impact their connection. We explore practical ways to create sacred spaces, manage visual chaos, and approach these sensitive conversations with love and understanding. What I particularly love about our chat is how Colette links decluttering to deeper intimacy - it's not just about tidying up, it's about creating space for connection.

Key Takeaways ✨ 

• Begin with your own space - focus on what you can control 

• Book in time for those courageous conversations 

• Create a bedroom sanctuary for deeper intimacy 

• Understand how clutter affects your nervous system 

• Start small - even 20 minutes can make a difference

Resources & Links 🌟 

• Find Colette at clutterandcouples.com 

• Connect on social media: @clutterandcouples 

• Join her community for live Q&As and daily inspiration

Remember loves, sometimes the smallest changes in our space can create the biggest shifts in our relationships. 💫  

• Find out more about Juliette Karaman here: https://feelfullyyou.com
• Follow Juliette on instagram here: https://www.instagram.com/juliettekaraman/
• Follow Juliette on Facebook here: https://www.facebook.com/juliette.karamanvanschaardenburg

Don't forget to Rate and leave a review so more people can tune in and the ripple effect spreads further.

Transcript

[00:00:00] Juliette Karaman: Welcome to the Scrumptious Woman Podcast. I'm so pleased to have Colette Roy with me, who's a beautiful author of an incredible book and a relationship coach, and so much. More Thank you for being on here. 

[00:00:21] Colette Roy: Thanks so much for having me, Juliette. Always a pleasure to see your face. 

[00:00:24] Juliette Karaman: Thank you. Thank you. I would love you to just explain to our listeners, just what drew you into writing this book, and it's because it's all about relationships and clutter, right?

[00:00:38] Colette Roy: It is that it is. I have been a professional organizer in Boulder for about 20 years. Love it. And so I've been in homes even before that , a professional residential cleaning. So I have been people's homes and relationships for 30 years. Wow. Wow. I think you all know when you go into someone's house, you get the real bird's eye view of what's truly [00:01:00] happening and what's going on.

[00:01:01] Colette Roy: Uhhuh. And it's not always bad, but I have seen over the years how clutter impacts the relationship inside the home. 'cause we each have different clutter thresholds. Seriously, we're all different. We all come to the table with different lenses and clutter impacts each of us very differently.

[00:01:19] Colette Roy: So you may have a partner who. If there's 17 pairs of shoes at the front of the door, they're gonna lose their shit. But that might just be the norm for you. You're just like, that's cozy. That defines home for me. 

[00:01:32] Colette Roy: So to to really look at the differences and to understand how it impacts each other so that there can be a really clean, yummy discussion.

[00:01:42] Colette Roy: So we, we do a lot of communication tools inside of the book. Because a lot of us don't know how to talk about conflict. 

[00:01:51] Colette Roy: And when conflict starts coming up, our nervous dis, our nervous system starts coming online. And once that happens, it's we're off to the races [00:02:00] and who knows what's gonna happen because the nervous system is now in control.

[00:02:04] Colette Roy: So I talk a lot about how to recognize when you're triggered. It's important information. I just, I feel like I just came to it in my fifties. 

[00:02:17] Juliette Karaman: Isn't it amazing, right? That it's the last 10 years or so we've really been talking and learning about the nervous system and that it's, this is what activates us, right?

[00:02:29] Juliette Karaman: From where we go into that response where basically the cognitive part of the brain just goes offline and we. In a state in, we're in a nervous system response but recognizing that someone else's behavior is often that might trigger it because it triggers that response within ourselves and what you're talking about conflict.

[00:02:53] Juliette Karaman: And even as simple as not cleaning up your dishes or [00:03:00] putting your dishes in the sink and not in. The dishwasher. How many people have I taught and coached that have the biggest fights because of this? It's absolutely, whoa, there's some other stuff happening here. 

[00:03:16] Colette Roy: Right. And I think really it's, it probably is other things, but it is.

[00:03:23] Colette Roy: A really deep need that, that some of us don't even understand or recognize in ourselves about how we want our place to feel. Yes. How we wanna feel in our home, how we wanna create sanctuary. And so to really open that up into understanding how each person who's living together is impacted is the first step.

[00:03:46] Colette Roy: And to not do it with blame, shame, nag, any of that crap. We're really trying to get away from that. 'cause that's what we were probably taught, that's how we all were probably raised within our parents, not necessarily learning how [00:04:00] to communicate directly and and effectively either. So we're all starting from ground zero.

[00:04:05] Colette Roy: So recognizing that no one's bad, wrong, we're all just starting from new completely. So that's really where I'm coming from around. Also the fear. I wanna speak to the fear of what people sometimes refer to as, I don't wanna rock the boat. I don't wanna, I don't wanna upset the cart of apples here.

[00:04:27] Colette Roy: And so we're stuffing when we're stuffing because we're afraid of conflict. We're not getting our needs met at all. And so that's gonna come out sideways somewhere else. And more oftentimes it comes out in intimacy. If you're not feeling connected to your partner, you are not really gonna feel like touching your partner and being intimate because the vulnerability isn't there.

[00:04:51] Colette Roy: You're in a protective zone completely. Yeah. That's where you and I met, which is really fun. We met in the coaching world. [00:05:00] With giant. 

[00:05:01] Juliette Karaman: Completely. And this is where, I specialize in, in, in sexual trauma often, and that has lane dormant for a lot of years. And then all of a sudden, people in their forties, fifties start recognizing that.

[00:05:14] Juliette Karaman: I don't, my body responds in a way. I don't feel safe anymore. I don't want this. And they don't know what it is. And there's a lot of shame there as well. They, because they can't get themselves to communicate and they don't actually recognize that one of them has a trauma or response and how much other things actually get thrown up because of that, how many.

[00:05:37] Juliette Karaman: Yeah. Other things all of a sudden start coming to light. It's there's this, there's that, and it's just becoming aware of those energetic leaks agreed. And this agreed. I agreed. I love how you say this with also with the cluttering. I've got four children and. They like things a little bit more tidy.

[00:05:56] Juliette Karaman: Like the boys especially, they live in Dubai, so they've got like a slick [00:06:00] apartment, not too much clutter. They've grown up with, my ex-husband's Lebanese, Palestinian, so we used to have like beautiful things from our travels everywhere. I have a lot of things from my travels, a lot of art, and just from time to time I'm like.

[00:06:15] Juliette Karaman: You gotta tone it down a little. I just, I need to just there's too much energy in the house. I'm like, okay, we've gotta just get rid of some stuff. 

[00:06:22] Juliette Karaman: Totally. 

[00:06:22] Juliette Karaman: And I love also seeing where the energetics of that really makes such a difference. Going through your closets giving stuff away maybe selling stuff and just doing a good clear out of everything.

[00:06:39] Juliette Karaman: And it doesn't have to all come at once because I live in a big house and then it would be forever. But I like just tackling a little bit each week. And sometimes it's just like that's the way that kitchen drawer, don't we all have that kitchen drawer? 

[00:06:53] Colette Roy: Yes. That's really important. I think so many people just have this mindset of oh, I'm gonna get organized.

[00:06:59] Colette Roy: I'm [00:07:00] gonna do it this year. And it's really small steps because you can't, like you said, you can get so overwhelmed because you see the. Hugeness of the project because your house could be large or you could have a lot of inventory. And that alone could actually create some people into stopping right there because they just go, I can't, I'm never gonna get through it.

[00:07:19] Colette Roy: I'm not gonna start. So to have that overwhelmed sense right off the bat the best way to bypass that is to think small. Like you said, a little drawer, your sock drawer, start small. You've just gotta start with some momentum. And that momentum will help build, because if you do a drawer that you're in all the start with a silverware drawer, that's an easy one.

[00:07:42] Colette Roy: You know you're gonna keep most of your silverware, but there's probably a bunch of shit in there that you don't need. It's just landed in there. You don't need it anymore. So every day you open up your silverware drawer, go. Ooh, that's sexy. Ooh, I like that. I like that feeling. I like how that feels in my body.

[00:07:58] Colette Roy: I wanna do that with my [00:08:00] bathroom. So you just have to start small. Completely, and you'll start having some great strides towards wanting to have that feeling in other areas of your home. 

[00:08:11] Juliette Karaman: And that's the beauty, right? It's the feeling. 

[00:08:14] Colette Roy: It's a feeling. It's a body feeling.

[00:08:15] Juliette Karaman: And that is like anytime that we bring that. Emotion. Yes. And body sensation. That's for me, feeling especi an emotion and a body sensation. It's oh, I want more of that. And that becomes almost addictive the way where, you know, you just, you're creating that new neuro pathway of oh, I wanna feel like this more in my life.

[00:08:33] Colette Roy: Absolutely. 

[00:08:34] Colette Roy: I wanna go back to trauma. I wanna, because I. For so many years did not know that I had trauma in my life because I didn't. I had different definitions of what trauma was. Yes. And because I didn't identify or have those things happen, what I deemed as trauma. I did not identify that I had any.

[00:08:57] Colette Roy: So I wanna just talk a little bit [00:09:00] about that with you as you work with more and more clients around this, because I think the more that we can help people understand trauma can be as small as someone shaming you in sixth grade by a teacher. Yeah. And how all of those things happened in your body and what happened inside of that.

[00:09:21] Colette Roy: You, there's so many things that I deemed as. That was weird. That's the title I put onto it. That was weird. Completely. And so I wanna just I would love to just pick your brain a little bit about how you help people understand that. It's interesting, 

[00:09:38] Colette Roy: right?

[00:09:38] Colette Roy: 'cause trauma is such a big word. It's being used so much and Yeah, the way that I heard trauma was like a traumatic incident like a big car accident or traumatic head injury, right? And that's how most people have heard it. Or PTSD because of war or bomb explosions. Already. That [00:10:00] creates a disconnect.

[00:10:01] Colette Roy: It's oh, whatever happened to me is not important. Totally, yes. Yes. Yet, when someone looks at you in a way. That has you all of a sudden that just feels icky. Yeah, that feels icky. And now thinking back to it now, you still have some emotional attachments or you still your body is still doesn't feel good.

[00:10:24] Colette Roy: I. Then you have some sort of intense experience, some sort of trauma on board, some sort of you still remember that is energetically it's gotten stuck into your body or your psyche.

[00:10:36] Colette Roy: And that's what we can help with. Just to reprogram that in a way so that those synopsis and that, so that all these neural pathways can actually reconnect and it's oh.

[00:10:49] Colette Roy: Yeah. That's something that happened to me and it doesn't actually define me. And it's also, it's not important at this moment because I don't have any [00:11:00] emotional or physical charge with it anymore. 

[00:11:02] Colette Roy: But to acknowledge that it happened and had an impact, oh yeah. It's a crucial place of starting to understand how your nervous system gets responses completely to that unknown thing that happened long ago that you might not even be aware of.

[00:11:18] Juliette Karaman: Yeah. And it is crazy that the amount of people that are starting to come up with these things and starting to notice, and especially in, in, in physical intimacy, in marriages, like I had this with my partner. He came up really close behind me and all of a sudden I just noticed my whole body froze.

[00:11:38] Juliette Karaman: And of course he made that mean that. He did something wrong. And I noticed it and I'm like, oh, can you just stay there? I can feel my whole body like tightening up. It's like my buttholes clenching up. My whole spine is really clenched. I'm like, just stay there. It's not you. It's.

[00:11:55] Juliette Karaman: Obviously I'm having some kind of like response that I'm back to [00:12:00] where my uncle used to touch me, where other people, have to where I've been abused, so can you just stay there? Breathe. I want you just to be grounded so that I can feel your grounding. And then can you just take half a centimeter or a centimeter step back so I can just have a little bit more space.

[00:12:19] Juliette Karaman: And then I talked him through it because I have enough consciousness that I can do this. But in the beginning it was just like, it was like, you wanna shake it off. Almost like when you come to close an animal, I just run away. And it's that being that conscious about. Seeing that in someone else. 

[00:12:38] Juliette Karaman: And not making it mean anything about you, but actually just recognizing, oh, they're going through something. And also giving them the. We often want to try and fix and help. 

[00:12:48] Juliette Karaman: It's oh yeah. What about just actually voicing it or staying there and just noticing what's happening?

[00:12:55] Juliette Karaman: We often don't need any touch. We don't need anyone to help us, [00:13:00] but we do need someone to create that safe space and hold that space for us. 

[00:13:04] Colette Roy: Agreed. I love that. That's beautiful. A lot of the communication tools that I teach, actually, I'm really a big fan of the dyad. I teach the dyad inside of the book because I think a lot of couples don't really understand how to create a safe space between them, and so that safe space.

[00:13:25] Colette Roy: Can and will have major impact in how you can start to talk about hot topics, whether it's clutter, sex, how you're a parent rearing, whatever it is. But understanding that, love what you said. If a partner understands how you're feeling, I would think that partner would want to help. Not have that happen for you.

[00:13:50] Colette Roy: Not always, but at least it's an opportunity. So if you, rather than saying, I hate when you never put your shit away, or, how about this, when you [00:14:00] don't put your shit away, I get nervous and anxious and I get into a negative spiral about our relationship and then I actually don't wanna have sex with you is a whole different way of communicating.

[00:14:14] Colette Roy: That may bridge the disconnect. And that's what I really love about the dyad is that you start to practice the muscle of saying hard things and trusting that it's okay to do so without a huge blow up 

[00:14:29] Juliette Karaman: courageous conversations. Yes. Really to start recognizing that you don't have to agree.

[00:14:37] Juliette Karaman: With your partner. You don't have to even like what they're saying, but as long as you can understand that as you can actually it. I hadn't seen that. And always taking it from oh, this is what's happening to me. And this is where the dyad is beautiful and a lot of other communication tools that I also mingle with it, but it just has, you [00:15:00] go a little bit deeper.

[00:15:01] Juliette Karaman: So it's, instead of like just the surface swimming oh, how was your day? It was good.

[00:15:10] Juliette Karaman: That you really loved about your day, and I'd be like, oh, coming home to you. I'm like, great. That's nice. Yeah. But it's actually just getting, yeah and also recognizing that not everyone is in that state at that moment. They may not be able to receive a communication or to go into that. Yeah. And that's okay too.

[00:15:33] Colette Roy: Yeah. I really I try and get people to understand that it's really helpful to schedule. Yeah. Communication so that everyone can be on the same page because clearly we each have different days, and if it's not scheduled, it's an outta the blue situation and gives no one, I don't know.

[00:15:50] Colette Roy: It just doesn't give people the, the time and space to prepare 

[00:15:55] Colette Roy: For something that might be triggering or upsetting [00:16:00] and beautiful. If you know that you have an hour or two scheduled with one another to unpack the stuff that's been bubbling or not bubbling, or maybe even really unconscious, then it really gives that, that wonderful opportunity to sink in together and problem solve versus react, 

[00:16:19] Juliette Karaman: Completely. And it's oftentimes what I tell my, my my couples. It's check in with each other saying, Hey, I'd love to you. I said, do some communication with you. There's something that's come up and I just feel like it's in between us. And I just wanna clear it up because I love you.

[00:16:36] Juliette Karaman: Do you have time at seven o'clock tonight? Yeah. Yes. And then they'll be like. Because then they can check in saying, actually, I don't have the bandwidth. I'm in the middle of a big project. I need to finish it. But what about counter offer tomorrow at seven o'clock in the morning and then it, it becomes a two-way street.

[00:16:56] Juliette Karaman: Again, it's not like I need to tell you what's going wrong [00:17:00] with me. And you always do and you never. 

[00:17:03] Colette Roy: Beautiful. Yes. Trigger words. Everybody trigger words. 

[00:17:09] Juliette Karaman: And it's funny, right? Because I look back at my, my, my marriage and raising the kids, and definitely I've said some of this stuff, those things, right?

[00:17:18] Juliette Karaman: It's like we're all human. We've definitely done that. But you also recognize where you hear that yourself. It really didn't feel very good. 

[00:17:28] Colette Roy: True. Really true. Yeah. So anyway, 

[00:17:34] Juliette Karaman: so tell us, what are two things that couples can do to declutter their lives and bring more connection into? 

[00:17:48] Colette Roy: I think one of the first things that most couples need to be reminded about is to focus on your own stuff.

[00:17:57] Colette Roy: I. Focus [00:18:00] on the things that you can make change inside of your own closet, wherever it is. Whatever's driving you crazy. If you feel like you have too much and you feel like your partner's, the one who's the main person who's bringing too much to the relationship, see where you can focus your attention on what you can change, because more than likely you can't change him or them.

[00:18:23] Colette Roy: Or her. That's going to give you some sense of empowerment. Yeah. And also your partner might see you making some of those changes and be inspired by that and maybe even reap the benefits that you are creating for yourself. It's unclear, but that's where I would start first. I see so many of my clients focus on their partner stuff versus their own stuff, when in reality.

[00:18:50] Colette Roy: That is really where they probably would, should be focusing. 'cause they probably have more to some extent. And then the second thing is really. [00:19:00] Set up some time, set some time up together to have some of these deeper conversations that don't have to necessarily turn into a fight or an argument, but that they can turn into a safe environment for you to share what your hopes, your wants, your needs are.

[00:19:17] Colette Roy: You get to work as a team, that's so crucial. Work as a team to come up with some problem solving techniques around the house. If I find out that my partner is just losing their shit because of the shoes. I wanna be kind, I wanna be caring. I want to help my partner feel safe in their own home.

[00:19:40] Colette Roy: So I'm gonna do my best to mitigate those shoes. 

[00:19:43] Colette Roy: And it's not always about changing your own behaviors, but it's a loving gesture. And that's what I wanna keep saying. Keep seeing it as loving gestures versus you're trying to change your partner, or she's trying to change me, or he's trying to change me, however it's going.

[00:19:58] Colette Roy: Just think about [00:20:00] what it is that you can give your partner that won't harm you 

[00:20:03] Juliette Karaman: completely. Yeah. 

[00:20:05] Juliette Karaman: What won't harm you? That's interesting. And so I've noticed, with my partner who has one son, and I've got four chil, four, four, two boys and two girls and they're all in their early twenties, right?

[00:20:18] Juliette Karaman: All four, five kids. But when they come, we have certain standards. It's and when, we come downstairs after a night there are coffee cups all over the place and towels, kitchen towels, everywhere. He now gets annoyed because he knows it annoys me and I will start cleaning and he actually picks up on the energy, right?

[00:20:41] Juliette Karaman: So he's he tells off my girls like, yeah, cool, but put it in the dish. He's dishwash. He's welcome. And it's just, it's so interesting noticing that, when people actually feel that energy, things like that can make a huge difference. Totally like you and I know in intimacy coaching [00:21:00] it is if there's a pair of socks on the floor or a sweater, it can take people out of their pleasure.

[00:21:06] Colette Roy: Absolutely. Yes. I really would love for people to. Really focus in on their bedroom first. It's almost like the oxygen mask. Yeah. If you can actually create a little sex palace in your home and really give your intimate life, not just sexual, but your intimate life a beautiful arena and palette to become erotic artists together, that's going to truly.

[00:21:35] Colette Roy: Bleed out into other areas of your home and life because we all know sexuality and connection and that oxytocin running through our bodies is lubrication to the challenges that show up on a daily basis. Completely. It's easier to accept some of your partner's idiosyncrasies and vice versa if you by, if you both just experience this [00:22:00] deep, yummy connection sexually or intimately, 

[00:22:03] Juliette Karaman: completely agree with that.

[00:22:05] Juliette Karaman: And where I. The bedroom almost becomes like a sanctuary. Yes. And I actually, I had, I was filming here the other, I don't know, in December. So the other month and the videographer came upstairs 'cause we were filming in the bath and just, he just wanted to have some shot. And Alex was here and he's what were you doing upstairs?

[00:22:28] Juliette Karaman: I'm like, oh, we just did a bit of things. And then afterwards he's Hey. Can I tell you that just feels a bit weird, it's like I wanna keep that as our sanctuary. I don't, I know that you've done photo shoots there before. You've invited people in there before, but it's can we just from now on, just keep it for us?

[00:22:44] Juliette Karaman: And I was like, yeah, thank you. Thank you for pointing that out. It's I felt it. And then, in the, in. Because I was just going with the flow. I, yeah I did invite the videographer in and we played and then, and just with some B [00:23:00] roll, but it just felt so clean to say that also that saying, yeah, thank You're right.

[00:23:06] Juliette Karaman: Thank you for pointing it out. 

[00:23:08] Colette Roy: Absolutely. And I wanna say all to the people who are listening, it's really okay for you to have boundaries. You can have boundaries about what it is that feels right to you. You can express that and hopefully your partner can hear that just as Juliette was able to hear it and say, okay, thanks.

[00:23:26] Colette Roy: Instead of getting defensive, instead of, trying to work around something. Yeah, just let it land and see if you can. Get on board with that boundary. And if you then negotiate right, then negotiate. 

[00:23:42] Juliette Karaman: And that's a funny thing, right? Because yeah, part of me was like, oh, but you always leave your clothes.

[00:23:47] Juliette Karaman: And then I was just like, oh, that's interesting because I actually was to show how do men, how can you set up a safe space? For a woman. That's one of the things that I teach on a lot. So I thought, great, [00:24:00] let me take him up, the videographer up and I could actually show all the clothes that are all over the place and where I can get people out of their pleasure.

[00:24:07] Juliette Karaman: So I scooped them all up, threw them into a closet so that they're gone. So I think it was Alex actually opening that closet and just noticing that there's a whole bunch of clothes on the floor that he is like, what? Was like, ah, got it. And I was like, that's what it was. Yeah, 

[00:24:24] Juliette Karaman: just funny. Right? So the point of this all is recognizing where we may be triggered, or we may not even be thinking about how. We respond to things and how that affects our partner.

[00:24:41] Colette Roy: Absolutely. 

[00:24:41] Juliette Karaman: To really stay open. It's oh, I hadn't looked at it in that point of view. 

[00:24:46] Colette Roy: Yeah. 

[00:24:46] Juliette Karaman: And like it doesn't have to be right, it doesn't have to be wrong, but just to start becoming aware. 

[00:24:51] Colette Roy: Totally. 

[00:24:52] Juliette Karaman: What I'd love to ask you actually, what is. The importance of having a clutter free [00:25:00] desk when you work there.

[00:25:01] Colette Roy: There's so much science coming. Oh, there's so much science coming out daily around how clutter impacts our brain. And if you can imagine, it's really hard for your brain. Sometimes people don't understand how their brain is super impacted. But if you can recognize if you have a whole bunch of shit on your desk with not a whole bunch of organization, your brain is going to be scattered because it's seeing all of this visual clutter.

[00:25:31] Colette Roy: But also you might actually get tagged in some of it. You might be, oh shit, right? I gotta pay that bill that you are off the mark about why you sat down at your desk to begin with. This pile is now what's controlling your time and your life output? Because this is what's gonna take precedence because your brain wants to have it really be peaceful.

[00:25:53] Colette Roy: 'cause that's when we can concentrate best. So even here, this is not what I'm always suggesting, but. If your [00:26:00] desk is massively full right now, get a big old basket, get a box, whatever it is, slide all that shit into it and put it off to the side so that you can come to your desk and you can sit in peace and do what it is that you need to do.

[00:26:14] Colette Roy: And then once you're done that, come into this box and start going through those things. Recycle. Put it in an action folder. I think that's the best thing. If you can batch. Batch. So go through that entire box and come up with categories of what it is that's all over your desk, and either file it, throw it away, or do it in the action file.

[00:26:38] Colette Roy: You don't have to do it in that moment, do it later in the action file. But don't think that I bump into so many of my clients, they're like, oh, it doesn't bother me. Nope, that doesn't bother me. And yet, the second that we actually pick it up, we go, oh. I feel better. 

[00:26:54] Juliette Karaman: We didn't realize we were holding our breath may be a little bit tighter.

[00:26:58] Colette Roy: And also we as humans 

[00:26:59] Colette Roy: [00:27:00] want to totally identify with what we think our identity is. We really wanna hold tight to what we think we are. Yeah. And so many people will think, oh no, that's just my A DHD that, that's fine. That doesn't bother me at all. I was like, okay, let's see. Let's take it away and see how you feel.

[00:27:18] Colette Roy: Oh yeah, no, I feel better. Yes. 

[00:27:21] Juliette Karaman: Beautiful. So you're really speaking to how we can do that around the desk, other parts of the house. And then also we can link it back again to sexual intimacy, to touch. If we're in a space that constantly, I see like the top of my bottle and there's like a pink post-it notes over here and my eyes just like getting drawn to that.

[00:27:45] Juliette Karaman: I'm not gonna drop into my body and actually. Enjoy touch. 

[00:27:49] Colette Roy: It's gonna be, there's gonna be a

[00:27:51] Colette Roy: lot of roadblocks to get there. 

[00:27:53] Colette Roy: Like a lot. 

[00:27:53] Juliette Karaman: And that's the thing I've explained to my partner is that if your closets are open or right, [00:28:00] your drawers are open or or there's like the door to outside is open.

[00:28:06] Juliette Karaman: All of that is just my vigilance center is just sure on high alert I'm scouting the area for danger. So I'm body and this is a beautiful point where. Even if you go out to dinner or if you're in a space at home, like check where are the entrances? Where are, can you put yourself next to a wall where you know there's nothing behind you so your vigilant center can slow down. Where it just cannot be so activated and then you can start paying more attention to what's right in front of you. 

[00:28:42] Colette Roy: Yeah. And the quickest way to get there, y'all, is if everything is really just pretty disorganized and there's too much it's gonna take maybe an hour and a half to clean up before you actually find intimacy, close your eyes, get some blindfolds.

[00:28:59] Colette Roy: Do [00:29:00] something to help mitigate your visual clutter, because 

[00:29:05] Juliette Karaman: Yeah and also go to a different space, go outside, whatever. Absolutely. But really, you can just go internal, close your eyes, take some breaths together and pretend all of that stuff is gone and it's just the bodies and it's just the two of you.

[00:29:24] Juliette Karaman: And it can be done. With concentration and some awareness and present moment experiences 

[00:29:32] Juliette Karaman: completely. And this is where I think you've also said like book in that time, book in that time for courageous conversations and also book in that time for some conscious touch. Absolutely. Yeah. And that is like, how did he used to prepare?

[00:29:49] Juliette Karaman: When you used to date your husband or you, your partner, it's what? You took a shower, you put on makeup, you put if you wear makeup, but if not, whatever. But you smelled [00:30:00] nice. You made an effort. 

[00:30:01] Colette Roy: Yeah. 

[00:30:02] Juliette Karaman: Here it's like. You get touch and it's and you're supposed to be all like in the mood.

[00:30:07] Juliette Karaman: It's no, let's actually set ourselves up for success. It's Hey, this is what I tell my clients. I'm like, do date morning. Don't do a date night because you're gonna be tired and date morning. Morning. You said at seven 30. Sure. Kids are out the house or they're, you've got babysitters, the dogs have been taking care of the cats.

[00:30:25] Juliette Karaman: Whatever you have, put your damn phones away and just schedule, even if it's. Only 45 or 50 minutes. It's already beautiful because some people can't go straight into much more and they're like, listen, I can do 20 minutes. I'm like, great. 20 minutes is perfect for, 

[00:30:46] Colette Roy: And I really want people to just start recognizing it doesn't have to be.

[00:30:50] Colette Roy: This goal towards orgasm or this goal towards even sexuality. It really can be, I just wanna rub your feet for 10 minutes so [00:31:00] that you and I can have a moment that's not doing, we're just being together. Yeah. And I'm hopefully making your body feel better in those 10 minutes where I get to touch your body.

[00:31:11] Colette Roy: Yeah. So yeah, I'm all I'm a fan of orgasm people. I am yet, I'm a much bigger fan of connection. 

[00:31:20] Juliette Karaman: Completely and so often. Yeah. A lot of women cannot get to orgasm unless there is some kind of connection. 

[00:31:27] Colette Roy: Absolutely. Yes. I. Yes, ma'am. 

[00:31:31] Juliette Karaman: Beautiful. Colette, let me know, how do people find you? What's the best way to, obviously everything will be in the show notes, but just let us know.

[00:31:40] Colette Roy: Yeah. My website is clutter and Couples all spelled out, clutter and couples.com, and that's an every social media platform. That's where you can find me. I have a great YouTube channel that I'm really starting to populate and dedicate time to. And I just started a really nice community inside of my [00:32:00] Kajabi platform.

[00:32:01] Colette Roy: So we're doing book clubs and live q and As and daily inspiration quotes. So it's really, I really wanna create this beautiful container for people to come and feel seen and heard. Especially if you're dealing with some level of disconnection with your partner around clutter and anything else, but it's a place where you can actually voice and be seen and heard and supported

[00:32:27] Juliette Karaman: beautiful, and it feels like it's a very shame-free indeed. community because it brings up so much shame, often, right? Clutter. Oh, I'm a bit of a hoarder or whatever. 

[00:32:39] Colette Roy: You're right. Sure. People are traveling the world with a lot of shame for many different reasons. And yeah, we are there with a hundred percent non-judgmental support.

[00:32:47] Colette Roy: That's what we're doing. That's 

[00:32:49] Colette Roy: the only way we're gonna heal everybody. 

[00:32:51] Juliette Karaman: Absolutely love it. Thank you so much for coming on this show. Thanks Julie. And I'm really excited to to read your book and [00:33:00] to look a bit more into this. Thanks, sister. It was really a pleasure to be with you as always. Much love