085 Reigniting Relationship Unity

Hello, lovely listeners! Welcome back to another episode of "The Scrumptious Woman." I'm thrilled to have you here with me today. In this episode, we're diving deep into the heart of relationships, exploring how couples can bridge the gaps that naturally form over time and rediscover the unity they once cherished. So, grab a comfy seat, maybe a cup of tea, and let's get started!

Episode Summary

In this insightful episode, we explore the dynamics of long-term relationships and how to reignite the connection that might have dimmed over the years. Through real-life examples and practical advice, we delve into understanding each other's intentions, enhancing communication, and setting meaningful relationship goals. We discuss the importance of intimate communication, not just in a physical sense, but through sharing thoughts, emotions, and aspirations. By focusing on mutual intentions and understanding, couples can reset their relationships and foster deeper connections.

Key Takeaways

• Understanding Intention: Discover why it's crucial to understand and communicate your intentions in a relationship. Knowing what both partners want can prevent misunderstandings and foster a stronger connection.
• Communication Techniques: Learn effective communication techniques that encourage openness and vulnerability. Simple practices like summarising and clarifying can make a significant difference.
• Intimacy Beyond Physicality: Explore the idea of intimacy beyond physical interactions. Sharing intimate thoughts and feelings can create a strong emotional bond.
• Rebooting Relationships: Understand the importance of periodically resetting your relationship. Just like rebooting a computer, a relationship needs refreshing to keep it thriving.
• Qualities and Actions: Recognise the importance of acknowledging and appreciating the qualities of your partner and how these qualities translate into actions.
• Homework for Connection: Engage in practical exercises like listing qualities you love about your partner, reflecting on childhood joys, and setting aside dedicated time for each other.
• Long-term Visioning: Consider where you see your relationship in the future. Discuss long-term goals and dreams to ensure you’re both on the same path.

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Transcript

The Scrumptious Woman EP85

Welcome to this Scrumtpious Woman. So I wanted to bring this to you today, that oftentimes in relationship, we think we're looking for the same thing. And ultimately, when we first got together, We're looking, we were looking for the same thing, but then people drift apart. So what I've noticed over with my clients the last few weeks and the last few couples that I've I've been with and that I've helped with is that they're almost polar opposites.

One wants this and one wants something else. And to close that gap, to really get to a space of unity, of being together, of Wanting the same thing needs a bit of work. So the first thing I ask them is like what is your intention for the session? What is your intention for reaching out to me for coaching with me for coming to a VIP day, a VIP experience?

What do you want to leave with? What do you want to feel like you've accomplished in our time together? And this is already where it gets really interesting, because one person gets almost shy in front of the other person. They want to say what will please the other person instead of really what's on the inside, bringing that out to the outside without being judged. Yesterday I had a couple here and I was seeing all the visual cues where she would reach over and she would lean towards him and he was pulled away. And

I read those cues and I read the energy between people a lot and it actually is very telling to, when you come into a session or when you come into communion, into a place that you want to communicate, that you want to bring across something intimate to your partner, because intimacy doesn't have to be sex, right?

It can be just, Actually bringing across intimate thoughts, intimate emotions, intimate things that are coming up in our bodies, in our being, and we want to share that with someone. So coming to a session prepared, putting our phones away. First of all that's non negotiable. Put your phones away.

I hadn't realized people watch, do everything on their watch as well. So next time it's phones and watches away, but also recognize. what it takes for the other person to say, Hey, I see that we're struggling with this, and I'd love to get some outside help. And notice how that may put your partner on the back foot saying, Oh, but we're doing fine.

I love what we're doing. It's I love what we're doing, and we can always tweak it a little bit. So first of all, that's the first thing, right? Be interested, be in that state where you both want to explore a little bit, where you both want to acknowledge what you have, and acknowledge good is the most important, right?

Our brain cannot keep two separate, emotions, feelings in our brain that are contradictory. So it's all about cognitive dissonance, right? So you can't keep in your mind how your partner doesn't do something, or how you criticize it, and at the same time thinking about what you used to love about him. So that is very much the basis of some of the work that I do, and especially relationship work.

It's all about communication, about your intention. So what is your intention for your relationship? Have you ever thought about this? Have you rethought about it after you've been together for a while? Because there's Never a wrong time to reset that button. Like on our phones from time to time, or on computers, we have to reset it so that it reboots and the system starts working again.

Relationships are very much like this. Get a little. Relationships are very much like this. And just like the computer or the phone that we have, we need to reboot ourselves and what we want from a relationship. If you're someone who's loving the relationship they're in, and there might be one part of it that's missing something, and let's be honest, don't we all have that?

And don't we all have a partner that we absolutely adore, but we might want him to take initiative a bit more. We want them to be more emotional, more feeling all of these things or whatever it is, right? We so often want our partner to do something, to be something different. And by acknowledging that, it's okay, so who do I need to become?

What do I need to be in myself to draw that out in him? Instead of you never do this, you never take out the rubbish, or look at Nicky, he always does blah blah blah. Never and always are probably the two killers in a relationship. So going back to intention setting, the question I want you just to ponder on Just by yourself, maybe you want to go for a walk and think about this, maybe you like journaling, maybe you like to move your body, dance while you are thinking on this question and really allow the answer to come to you.

You can't think your way in it, but you can feel the initial hit. What is it that you want to get out of your relationship? In 10, 15 years, where do you see you? Where do you see the two of you? Another one is if you're on your deathbed, and you see your grandson or granddaughter in front of you, what would you tell them?

What would you say, do more of this? So this is already creating a picture in your mind a little bit, it's like noticing who you are.

So to go back to some of my couples the past few weeks, one of the first questions I have them answer is, tell me a quality you love about your partner.

And I have the partner ask them, so tell me a quality you love about me. So my partner would then answer, saying, I love that you're thoughtful. When I, as the partner asking the question, giving the prompt, understand what he's saying, I don't have to agree with it, I don't have to like it. But once that communication happens, because what, by giving that prompt, what I'm trying to do is get us closer together, and it's not to answer in the way that I want.

to be want, to be heard, but I want to understand what's going on for them. So once that communication has been made and I've understood it, I'll say thank you. If they go on and on, I'll just say, hey, summarize that, just shorten it a bit. Or otherwise, if they go on and off on the fairies and it's oh, I love that you're thoughtful and I remember the last time that you brought a present to Grandma Nikki and then she went on off on a tangent because no one had gotten her a present, blah blah blah.

Do you see how the energy kind of dissipates there? What you'd say as a partner is say, summarize that, just let's just bring that back together, bottom line it, and really make that a very clear communication. So what I'm teaching you here is a communication technique, right? So thank you if you've understood it, summarize it, or just, shorten it if it goes on and on, and clarify it if you didn't understand.

So I love where Often, people don't understand what I mean with qualities. They think it's something that they do. And especially men notice this, where they feel they're oftentimes still the providers. Their partners will praise them for something that they've done, instead of something that they are bad at.

And it feels like oftentimes they can't be very emotional because someone needs to have a clear head. Does anyone relate, right? Where a woman can be like, Whoa, emotional. And then the man needs to like, be the polar opposites. Now, in this exercise, I'm going to invite you to just go ahead and be emotional.

See how your partner takes it. And if you don't have a partner to do this with, write them down. Tell me, what is a quality that you love about yourself? So I would have my partner answer, or you just write it down, answer it yourself. And really, what is it that you quality about who they are being?

I love that my partner is thoughtful. He brings me cups of coffee. So thoughtful is a being, right? And then the action, he brings me cups of coffee in the morning. in exactly the way that I like them. So he's thought about what kind of milk to use, where, what kind of cup to put my coffee in, to sprinkle a little bit of chocolate on it, to bring it to me in the exact way that I love it.

Not that he likes it, but that I love it. So the beingness is, I love his thoughtfulness, and the action step that he takes because of that thoughtfulness is bringing me the coffee, but in the exact way that I like it. So do you see where I'm going with this? That one question, one prompt like this, can already bring up so So much.

Another prompt you might want to try is, what do you think we agree on? And that, for people that are not on the same page, can be a really difficult question to answer. It's something that I'd like you To just ponder on for a bit. Think about, it's wow, what do me and my partner actually agree on?

Is it, we agree on parenting, we agree on that there should be some boundaries around the house, that, yeah, the children act and behave in a certain way and we entice that. We give, we agree that we want to have healthy lifestyle for both our kids and us. We agree on that we both find working on this relationship really important.

So go ahead and write those down, or use these when you are with your partner, and switch sides using thank you clarify that or summarize that if you don't quite understand. And then a third one in the same genre is What do you want me to know that I may not have understood yet? Ryan, this is where it starts getting intimate, where it starts getting a little bit uncomfortable, because you're asking your partner to share something with you that he or she or they may not know yet.

And you're not quite sure how it's going to be received, right? So it could be, I want you to know that I love that we work on this relationship together and that we actually want to make, we're never quite complacent and it's never going to get still because we're always looking to really make this our priority.

Or it could be like, I want you to know that I'm actually really. Worried about whatever, my finances. Worried about how my hip is healing. worried about your connection to your son, and I, we don't see him very much. It could be any of the things that just that you want to have come out, and you just want it to be acknowledged.

There's no going into this, yes I agree, but there's just I want to make this communication, and I want the other person, I want my partner to understand. This is what communication is all about. And notice, how it might be quite vulnerable. How it's so easy to also say, yes, I agree. But as the partner who receives that communication, just say, thank you.

All right, because by saying thank you, you actually receive them. You're saying, okay, I understand your communication. I may not agree with it, I may not like it. It may be completely different, but I'm understanding what you want. And once that we can set up that, kind of intimacy, that kind of frequency change that happens between two people. The frequency change where before it's blaming and he doesn't do this and she doesn't do that and la. When we get together and actually come into this conscious communication, into this scrumptious communication, the frequency between us changes. And that's where And the five things that, five qualities that you love about your partner, go ahead and make that your homework.

And then I'd like you, some of the homework I gave yesterday is write down 10 things that you used to love doing as a child. Because I give homework, and give people homework is usually plan in 90 minutes twice a month for a date morning. Not a date night, but a date morning. And people are like what are we going to talk about?

Cause I give them rules. Like you can't talk about your kids, can't talk about business. And let's actually just also not talk about health or parents or gossiping. Put your phones away, put your watches away and focus on each other for 90 minutes. And then what I get from people is just what are we going to talk about, what are we going to focus on?

So this is what I actually focus on a lot, which I, where I. teach people the baby steps in my course Scrumptious Dates. Six weeks long of ideas and taking you through the step by step. How can you create that connection again? So I'll give you some of the tidbits from it. Because if you're looking for intimacy, if you're looking for physical sexual intimacy, you're never going to get it unless you have that emotional intimacy.

So by writing down a list of 10 things that you used to love doing as a child, and then in the date morning, you share that with your partner, you're done. Definitely gonna come up with some things that you didn't realize about him, her, they, them. You didn't realize, oh, you like climbing trees I like climbing trees too, but at the moment now that we have kids, I don't see us doing that.

But what's the bit behind the climbing trees? What was the energy behind it? Was it like the thrill of climbing, or is it The being in nature, communing in nature, how can we recreate this in a setting that actually works for both of us? And when, again, when you are in that state of mind where you are inquisitive, where you're questioning, where you're curious about your partner, there's no room to bring in the negativity anymore, and that's the cognitive. Cessation, cognitive bias where, we see say that we've bought a red car, then all of a sudden you see red cars showing up everywhere. Like here now, when you start focusing on what you used to love doing as a child, you'll all of a sudden see people flying kites, if you Love doing that.

So this is what we're training the brain to do to start noticing all those things that you used to love and now how can you do that together as a couple. Just some little tidbits of what came through me and what came through for the clients I've had the last few weeks, where they've really been Far, far apart, and just by changing the way that they communicate, the way that they look at each other, the way that they start opening their hearts again to the other person, to what it was that they loved about each other.

And also, consciously create, where do you want to see yourselves in 10 years? Oh, when the kids are 18. What? What do you see yourself doing? Where do you want to be? What does sex look like? What does traveling look like? And this may be a bit far, but just open yourself up for this. Start becoming aware where you might be stuck in certain programs, where you may be repeating things that your parents did.

You may be looking at your relationship in the same way that your parents did or that other family did. So give this a shot. If you want to know more, visit me on feelfullyyou. com. Have a look at Scrumptious Dates. It's a six week program that really will bring you back together and that gets you to look.

at these things once a week, or however long you want to do it, but really gets you to take little, small, incremental steps that will change the way that you relate to each other. As always, much love, and share this with whoever you feel needs to hear this message. Much love.